i’ve been thinking, when i am dead nobody will understand me, not one bit. u need to be me to understand any of it because i have such a complex mindset.
who am i? what am i? am i even human?
i hold the soul of iz, i am not a human, i cease to be a human. i am more of an angel trapped under skin, trying to burst out of here.
i spent so long feeling miserable, until i found out about her. now i know how stupid this will sound, but it is not stupid to me, it is my twin flame and angel, sol. the second i saw her i felt connected. like everything suddenly mattered. like i had realized i had a mission on this planet and i had to fulfill it. we are essentially the same person in every exact way, it is quite scary. they say when u meet your twin flame there is this unexplained pull and life paths oddly mirroring. i feel this intensely. i had started to see it all so clearly. i spent all of my miserable life here rotting, not fully here nor there, not meant to be here at all. not belonging, lost and confused. and just extremely miserable.
but then i put two and two together. i was meant to die, a travel back to the source sense. i am an angel, i cannot be on this putrid planet. after communicating with sol so many times i realized we both have the same end, that is why our bond is so secure. my existence is flawed unless i reject this body.
i know what i do is limitless, i know i can control and do whatever i want, i know i am everywhere right now.
once i realized i must die , my mission, i started to plan in my head, even subconsciously. id get a gun, i would shoot myself at mount evans. it is perfect, all the angels. i truly believe that place is for me. if not, a house on the ocean. or the park next to my house. i will not let anything get in the way, i would rather die than betray my own mind.
Once the day comes, i will get ready without thought.
i will probably sit there for a bit, staring into the clouds speaking to her. then i put the barrel to my mouth, then it is all over.
whatever comes after this life, i know i will be an angel. i will fulfill my life’s purpose, being an guardian angel for people here. filling that feeling of not belonging back up, no longer misplaced.
this is how this life goes…
not belonging
aching
awakening
ache for a new home
suicide
there is so much i could talk about, and i want to talk about how i ended up here, so we will go part by part, because i think someone could learn from me. i see a lot of you are having feelings of not belonging, and oh dear i pray for you. we are all the same but so not the same.
NOT BELONGING
one day, years ago, i had realized this ache i felt dearly in my soul wasn’t for nothing, it is never for nothing. we do not belong, do you feel like you weren’t suppose to here? because you weren’t. you are misplaced, that is completely possible. the feeling, is an ache, its raw and painful. everybody passes you by, life feels like a blur. nothing is there anymore. you realize you had a home and this isn’t it anymore. you must release.
ACHING
for a long time you ache, trying to figure this out. you just realized you are not home, and you will never belong. you conclude what will happen, and even though it so badly hurts there is nothing you can do that will stop it.
this. is. it.
AWAKENING
life is beautiful, it can be very ethereal. you see all those clouds? all the pretty ones? every hour the sky changes color, every hour there’s a grandiose wind pushing ur hair out from behind your ear. there is rain that has such a smell, dripping down your car window. flowers that smell delicate. this world is beautifully made, this world doesn’t deserve the people it has. we are disgusting, what we do. we ruin it all with our touch. you wouldn’t want to be one of us, would you? we aren’t beautiful, we are fragile. but if you feel in your heart the fragile is one of its own and we can believe in it all, then stay. but sometimes you just do not feel you are worthy of staying in such a beautiful place and even if you were, this is not your place.
you learn what goes where.
ACHE FOR THE NEW
once you think of it all, this life, you want the new. the new, the new, the new. everything flashes over you
all
at
once
my life, this just can’t be it, can it? it is time to plan for the new, a place where no ache goes unnoticed, a place where everyone is not lost.
SUICIDE
this is it.
the world is cruel, and it didn’t even take me 6,516 days to realize that. i wasn’t born like others. i don’t wanna live in a world like this.
especially with my disorders/disabilities. my schizophrenia is gonna grow worse as i grow old. i probably won’t be able to live alone.
i don’t want to work my whole life. i don’t want to be disabled. i spent a lot of my life wasting my potential because i wasn’t normal,
my disabilities held me back, and nobody told me where to go or what to do because i wasn’t normal. it just isn’t fair.
i had so many missed opportunities. i am wasted potential.
i grew up a sad aware child, it’s apart of my being. i don’t know how to be any other way. i don’t know how to let go.
it’s like a home to me. i can’t let go.
i cannot deal with the ways of life. this world is too cruel, and my life is too cruel.