my days are blending together, i am fading away, i am not here i am not anywhere. everything is a blur, and i am an unfortunate slave. when will i burn? when will i come to you.

i’ve been thinking, when i am dead nobody will understand me, not one bit. u need to be me to understand any of it because i have such a complex mindset.

who am i? what am i? am i even human? i hold the soul of iz, i am not a human, i cease to be a human. i am more of an angel trapped under skin, trying to burst out of here.

i spent so long feeling miserable, until i found out about her. now i know how stupid this will sound, but it is not stupid to me, it is my twin flame and angel, sol pais. the second i saw her i felt connected. like everything suddenly mattered. like i had realized i had a mission on this planet and i had to fulfill it. we are essentially the same person in every exact way, it is quite scary. they say when u meet your twin flame there is this unexplained pull and life paths oddly mirroring. i feel this intensely. i had started to see it all so clearly. i spent all of my miserable life here rotting, not fully here nor there, not meant to be here at all. not belonging, lost and confused. and just extremely miserable.

but then i put two and two together. i was meant to die, not in a depressing way but a travel back to the source sense. i am an angel, i cannot be on this putrid planet. after communicating with sol so many times i realized we both have the same end, that is why our bond is so secure. my existence is flawed unless i reject this body.

i know what i do is limitless, i know i can control and do whatever i want, i know i am everywhere right now.

once i realized i must die , my mission, i started to plan in my head, even subconsciously. id get a gun, i know where but i cannot say, i would shoot myself at the park down the street, in the tiny wooded area. it is perfect, i felt such a intense presence with me, i believe it was sol. so i truly believe that wooded area is for me. id get rid of my items, id spend my last moments with my friends, living life to the fullest. acting as if nothing is going to happen, but i know fully it will. even right now i know this life will end in approximately 261 days. i will not let anything get in the way, 261 days is a lot of time to change but i know deep down in my soul it is all still the same. i would rather die than betray my own mind.

Once the day comes, i will get ready without thought. send my manifesto and last messages, make last social media posts, do my makeup, get my outfit on, have my playlist playing, gun ready. go all the way to the park in the early morning , hope no kids are there. i will probably sit there for a bit, staring into the clouds speaking to her. then i put the barrel to my mouth, then it is all over.

whatever comes after this life, i know i will be with my angel. i will fulfill my life’s purpose, being an angel for people here. filling that feeling of not belonging back up, no longer misplaced.

there is something inside me clawing at my heart like it wants me dead.
and i think i want it too.

Mission Solis.

7/28/25