RECORD

March 17, 2025

A few nights ago I tried to contact her through my dreams,
It didn't work.
It feels like you always talk to me.
I thought you wanted to talk to me.

oh you oh you oh you oh you oh you oh you oh you oh you oh you oh you oh you oh you oh you oh you oh you oh you oh you oh you oh you oh you oh you oh you oh you oh you oh you oh you oh you oh you oh you oh you im trying to stick to my original plan, i have three, two backups
i will make my exit, i am deterimned nobody can stop me now
i must die and go onto the astral plane where my home is. do i really even believe that anymore?

March 13, 2025

I want to spend eternity with you my love, i want to hold you i need to hold you i need to breathe you in so deeply for i am in so love wit hyou
i know ur talking to me all of you i see all those numbers but why do they all mean the same fucking thing?? what are u trying to tell me , im sick of trying to figure you out
cant u make this easy ? im tired. my mind is racing i feel like im going to explode so many voices so many so many please tell me this isnt for nothing

March 12, 2025

the truth is lovely oh i so blessed with this information oh im so lucky
im so very lucky to have angels by my side oh me
i would hurt anyone if it meant my home.
i can envision it already. the skies clear, its windy, im with people. their laughing, why are they laughing?
i have a book in my hand, we are all walking, we are in the middle of nowhere but its so beautiful. the tree is purple, its strange but maybe thats normal there.
we see a a big pond with a waterfall, people are swimming, enjoying their lives. we join them and laugh, its a good time.
444
im sick of people telling me im crazy, insane, that this isnt real. shut up, shut the fuck up you don't get it
you are so below me and the way the world works.
your angels would never talk to you and reveal anything, or you just belong here, or you just arent awakened spirutally.
whatever the fuck it is leave me alone. leave me alone.

im happy

MY EMPIRE OF DIRT I WILL LET YOU DOWN I WILL MAKE YOU HURT IF I COULD START AGAIN A MILLION MILES AWAY I WOULD KEEP MYSELF I WOULD FIND A WAY MY EMPIRE OF DIRT I WILL LET YOU DOWN I WILL MAKE YOU HURT IF I COULD START AGAIN A MILLION MILES AWAY I WOULD KEEP MYSELF I WOULD FIND A WAY MY EMPIRE OF DIRT I WILL LET YOU DOWN I WILL MAKE YOU HURT IF I COULD START AGAIN A MILLION MILES AWAY I WOULD KEEP MYSELF I WOULD FIND A WAY MY EMPIRE OF DIRT I WILL LET YOU DOWN I WILL MAKE YOU HURT IF I COULD START AGAIN A MILLION MILES AWAY I WOULD KEEP MYSELF I WOULD FIND A WAY MY EMPIRE OF DIRT I WILL LET YOU DOWN I WILL MAKE YOU HURT IF I COULD START AGAIN A MILLION MILES AWAY I WOULD KEEP MYSELF I WOULD FIND A WAY MY EMPIRE OF DIRT I WILL LET YOU DOWN I WILL MAKE YOU HURT IF I COULD START AGAIN A MILLION MILES AWAY I WOULD KEEP MYSELF I WOULD FIND A WAY MY EMPIRE OF DIRT I WILL LET YOU DOWN I WILL MAKE YOU HURT IF I COULD START AGAIN A MILLION MILES AWAY I WOULD KEEP MYSELF I WOULD FIND A WAY MY EMPIRE OF DIRT I WILL LET YOU DOWN I WILL MAKE YOU HURT IF I COULD START AGAIN A MILLION MILES AWAY I WOULD KEEP MYSELF I WOULD FIND A WAY MY EMPIRE OF DIRT I WILL LET YOU DOWN I WILL MAKE YOU HURT IF I COULD START AGAIN A MILLION MILES AWAY I WOULD KEEP MYSELF I WOULD FIND A WAY


You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt.

March 3, 2025

I feel like I'm moving in slow motion. I'm watching everyone move faster than me,
but it's not faster it's just a normal rate of movement.
I'm just abnormally slow. I feel like I'm decomposing. Is it really possible to feel this dead when I am alive?
My eyes, they drop so low. I'm so tired, but not even a sleepy kind of tired anymore. It's a insufferable tired.
I'm praying to feel alive again, to wake up hopeful, to keep care of myself, work, eat, sleep.
Talk to people, be happy, satisfied. But this praying, it hasn't gotten me anywhere. Myself? neither.
I'm pretty pathetic when it comes to helping myself. Do I really exist? I've been feeling so confused.
My body feels so false. I feel so fake. I feel like someone could walk through my body.
Am I not real? Is there just one of me or many? Which one is real?
Am I only real through peoples memories? What about when I'm alone??
I feel so restless, craving something more. I need something to burn this fire in my heart.
It burns so bad, I need releaseI need release I need releaseIneedreleaseI NEED release

Feburary 19, 2025

You wither... You ache. You're so poor. Such a poor being. Full of broken thoughts I cannot repair.
A damaged body, A damaged mind. A damaged soul cannot bide.
It must bribe it's way through life.

Feburary 12, 2025

You reminded me that I actually did want to write a manifesto if I ever did kill myself, if I ever planned it.
Usually when I attempt it isn't planned so I don't get to write anything,
but when I attempt to plan I do think of writing something. I forgot about that honestly.
I think I'd make a decent manifesto, I've been through it all. I just
want to be heard, and lately I feel as if I'm planning again. I
feel so void of emotion, of empathy, of care, of happiness.
It's all fake, none of it's real anymore. I don't feel a care in the world anymore,
because I know soon I'm gonna die. I think I can finally come to terms with that now,
I accept it and I don't feel anything. I've been wanting to die for
a long time now, since labor day weekend. I didn't take that oppturnity to shoot myself then, but once I
get it again I know deep in my heart I will. I know it's at my moms house, and I know
if I just ask I'll be free to go. Then I'll probably take it into a bag or something, or
just do it there. But I have a decent care for my family so I'll probably take it into a bag or something. I
don't care how stupid I sound, I feel it's calling for me this time.
I've been seeing signs, call to arms, it's my time to leave this universe and go into the next.
It's time to go back to my home, it isn't here. I haven't felt connected in a long time. I never will.
I know that now, and I'm foolish to have not realized that before. It's always been in front of my eyes, I was just so ignorant and afraid.
It's funny to look back at now. I can tell someone this, but I never will.
"You love death more than me" I always hear. It's like a stab to my heart because...Is that all your really thinking?
I think about death almost everyday, I should be sent to a mental hospital again because of it. It's almost the anniversary of when I was too, and when I attempted.
I don't feel as if I benefit from talking about it to anyone, not even my own therapist. What will I gain?
This is probably a pathetic cry for help, I don't even gain anything from harming myself anymore, or getting high, or drinking. None of that, thats how I know it's truly over.
Always feeling disconnected was the sign I'm in the wrong place, I was misplaced and I must go home. I should've listened to them when they tried to get me too in the first place.
Now I'm suffering the consequence and must do this on my own. But I plead, come back and tell me how to go home. Will you? I need a voice, a guidance, a sign. Please. I'm so lost.

January 26, 2025

I honestly dont understand why you lie to me.
I guess im tired of it. I dont lie to you, should i be lying to you?
i guess im "selfish" for not liking it, so why bother. im tired, and i just want communication.
the way i do it, i just wish for it back. but now, i noticed im taking after you.
whens the last time i told someone how i felt?
of course im victimizing myself. thats all i do.
im a selfish prick huh ?
imtriedimtriedimtriedimtriedimtriedimtiredimtired

January 19, 2025

im lke very euphoric right now like crazy, i cant sleep at all and honestly my sleep is deteriorating
some negative aspects of my mindset are coming back but maybe its temporary?
god im stupid i cant spell
ok anyways
i hate even idolizing people like this but god they speak to me at differnt levels
i didnt think theyd be so important but one night they came out and spoke to me
they told me how to leave and ive spent my whole life living it so wrong oh boy
oh boy oh boy but sometimes i ignore it but why do i?
im constantly shown reminders to NOT do that.
stop doing that iz stopstop stop stop u need to STOP it
get it together and do what ur suppose to do god almost senior year and i havent done shit yet
i need to focus on getting money, my license, so i can buy everything maybe a plane ticket if i decide to do plan 2
im stpuid i cant deide if i wanna do all this or not its so annoying just hand it all to me
no stupid you were practically handed a gun and you didnt even use it on urself. pussy
god my mind runs everywher eit runs arrands cazy arrands
i just wanna run around my room and scream and cry and hurt god ogod god god god god

January 15, 2025

You extend your hand to those who suffer
To those who know what it really feels like
To those who've had a taste
Like that means something
And oh, so sick I am
And maybe I don't have a choice
And maybe that is all I have
And maybe this is a cry for help
I do not want this

maybe i deserved this
maybe this was supposed to happen to me
punishment for everything ive ever done
raw punishment
punishment to push me to my limits of life and death
frankly, its working pretty well
because god i want to die

January 13, 2025

How does one forgive themselves for doing something so out of their morals?
How do you stop punishing yourself?
Tell me.
The way I see it, I'm so out of line I must punish myself.
I'm not who I ever wanted to be, I'm what I feared I'd eventually be.
A person like me shouldn't ever, ever be happy.
I can't let myself have nice things, I've thought of doing horrible, horrible things to people.
Who thinks like that and thinks it's okay?
It's disgusting. I'm disgusting.
We as a society don't need more people like me, so let me cancel myself out.
I've been punishing myself for the past two years.
I can't seem to change for the better so if I'm gonna stay this disgusting person I shouldn't deserve anything good in my life.
God but it really isn't my fault..
Is it?

January 10, 2025

I'm so tired of being a burden on everyone, everyone i love. i don't want to be here anymore, everyday is so painful.
please understand. its sounding much nicer to od than it is to be alive, i really dont care about the pain anymore. i dont care.
im suffering, im suffering so much, i cant take it anymore. please kill me. i dont want to be a burden anymore.
i know im gonna do it soon, only a matter of time. nobody gives a shit anyway. you read this, you dont give a shit, and you go on with your life.
i guess dont blame you. i was doomed to begin with. now im bullied, now i have no friends, no mom, i cant sleep
i cant eat i cant keep care of myself i feel so alone i cant stand my nightmares i cant stand my addictions i canthandle even breathingim done. im tired.

January 6, 2025

I hate just about everyone.

January 1, 2025

Happy new years.

December 24, 2024

im gonna die soon.
maybe the problem was that i thought i truly belonged here,
no, you were so so wrong..
and then you continue to be in denial.
just accept it for how it is, you will be free soon.
Free.

December 18, 2024

i hate my parents. who are you to tell me what to fucking do, you were never even in my life? god if i could just shoot myself in front of everyone.

December 17, 2024

why are all mass shooters the same?? "im different im better than everyone else im higher!!"
shut up oh my god u look so goofy u white incel stop praying to eric and listening to kmfdm on repeat go the fuck outside for once
and stop blaming the world for your problems. kmfdm is nice but stop making it
ur entire personality. eric and dyl sure they are relaatable on the mental health part but everything
else no their just disgusting incel fucks just like you so get a fucking job. they dont love you, their dead.
stop being a weird ass simp, stop saying ur powerful like them and get
help with ur increasing psychosis. let these poor kids rest jesus christ their already dead and
went thru hell and back just like everyone else they affected.

December 16, 2024

Im going to die soon, so please lay me where my soul resides. I never belonged here, its no wonder
I never felt right. My soul is not in the right dimension, its corrupting, its tired.
My only way back home is to lose my psyhical form. Im afraid I will lose it soon, for I cant keep this up any longer.
It feels like im being torn apart, but its really just my heart. i feel nothing anymore,
im void of feelings now. I just want out. i hold deaths hand so deeply and its gonna hold me back.
im losing it, im losing it so bad. are we immortal? are we gods? us humans can do anything we desire,
i can kill anyone right now, nobody can do anything about it. we can all do whatever we want. gods can do whatever they want.
our only difference is they are immortal and we aren't. but how do we know that?
nobody knows what happens after we die. i believe we still are alive after death, our souls and spirit is so powerful
we are still around just not psychically. jesus and satan have been long dead but we believe their alive
because they are, just not with us right now. i could meet anyone that has died if
i just die, ill be with their spirits. millions of spirits. theres such a great
intense power on this earth, all these souls
its like i can feel them. they talk to me, they tell me secrets that nobody knows,
they tell me what to do and where i belong. its so satisfying to finally know why im
never truly happy, because i shouldn't exist here. why im so empty well,
my soul is failing greatly. it cant figure out how to fit here because it doesnt.
if i could start again i would find a way before it was too late. but im dying now, im dying.

December 4, 2024

I am a heavy pessimist, I see the world in such a negative strange light. I just dont see it right, and havent in years. Maybe Id like to view my self awareness
as something special that not a lot of people really have. But in all
honesty I pray for a better life, an ignorant one where I can ignore the truth of it all and just be happy.
I envy those people. They dont know anything at all. To know nothing is to be happy truly. To know it all is
to hate it all. Why would you ever like a world such as this when you know the truth?
This world is a horrible place, truly. Death to innocent people everyday…I could be a hypocrite
saying that but its true. Its disgusting, Im disgusting. We dont really matter honestly,
we are all what makes the universe. We are the universe, dusts, stars. Once we die, we just loose our body and consciousness,
but our energy soul and spirit live on. Im not sure where we go, when we die. Do we just simply not have a body anymore?
Do we reincarnate? Hell? Heaven? Or nothing at all, maybe it really is nothing and we are afraid of that. So afraid we rather make up stories and lies about what could happen
to soothe that fear of nothingness. Why are we so afraid of the void? Of nothing?
We were nothing at some point in time, we werent alive, no thoughts. When one has no thoughts you simply cant be afraid because there is nothing.
So why are we afraid of the nothing when really when we are in the nothing there is nothing at all.
Whats there to be afraid of? Losing it all? Perhaps, but once you do, its like you never did because your just gone you
cannot think about how you are gone. I hope we float, I believe we dont need a body to be alive,
not because I am afraid of the nothing but because it feels like theres a greater force out there.
I never feel truly alone. These people without bodies, are they higher
than me ? A god? Am I a god? Maybe everyone is god, we have so much control. I can do whatever i want, nothing really matters. This life wont matter in 1000 years.
Will we make it that far? So many planets undiscovered, so many life forms possibly existing.. Its insane, what we will never know.
I could die today but not really die, and nobody would know because how would I tell you my soul doesnt need its body?
If I ever reincarnate, I wont remember anything will i? Maybe I have already reincarnated, and I dont remember my past life at all..
what could I have been like? Sweet? Mean? Pessimistic like I am today? Maybe my soul is tainted to be a pessimist and every life I have lived has been essentially the same. Negative.

this life doesnt feel right, its passing by so fast. im not 11 anymore. im 16, im not a little kid wondering why i exist. im a teenager about to graduate. how did i make it here?
why did i make it here? did fate decide i was worthy enough to keep going? maybe, maybe it did. 2020 felt like yesterday, but its 2024 now. almost 2025. what the fuck.

ive been through more than i can count, so much, and i wonder, how did i make it? what kept me going? something must
of, but what?? i wonder why i didnt just kill myself, a lot of it was so bad.

November 18, 2024

YOU COULD HAVE IT ALL
MY EMPIRE OF DIRT
I WILL LET YOU DOWN
I WILL MAKE YOU HURT
if i could start again
a million miles away
i would keep myself
i would find a way

November 7, 2024

What have I become?
I can't even face myself,
not even if I wanted to.
I am not who I ever wanted to be,
my younger self,
filled with dread,
staring at who I am now.
If I could start again,
if I could try again,
I'd open a portal to another life,
hold my pieces together,
and maybe I would.
Maybe I'd do it all differently.
But when I look at that gun,
it's so goddamn easy-
everything flashes
and I think,
I will make you hurt.
Such an easy task to pull the trigger-
gone in a flash.
My blood everywhere-
a quick escape
and I'd think-
I can try again,
but there's no thinking in the afterlife,
no doing, no reliving.
That's it.
This is all that's left.
What have I become?

November 6, 2024

I love him like the sun loves the moon, I hope he devours my loving soul whole.
I hope it fills his heart and brain with love like no other. I pray he keeps care of my delicate skin and bones the way I'd gently carry his.
I wonder if we are bound, soul tied, tangled. Will he search for me in everything?

October 6, 2024

do you ever really wonder about our existence? the meaning...if we really do or not. i feel like theres deeper things to think about. who am i when nobody is around? i only exist in the mind of those aware of me, do i not?
what about the people that dont know me? do i become nothing? obsolete? gone? to the people that do, what happens when we aren't in the same room? who am i when im alone?
where is the real me when all is said and done...im here, im there, im everywhere. so many versions of me exist to people,
but which one of them is real? am i real? the me right now typing this...is it real? there is no real me, i only exist in the mind of others.
right now, me, im not in the mind or presence of anyone. i am a hologram of all the real me's out there.

October 1, 2024

do you really think i care?.. your lucky enough to get a view on my world. the world...such a cruel place. i scream for a god that just won't listen. i ache for a home that never existed.
i look at myself and try to figure out if im really there. do i only exist in peoples minds?
where am i when nobody is watching? do you feel a sense of acomplishment with yourself? does anyone? we seek more and more personal gain.
nothing will ever be enough to satisfy the human mind and body. some of us know the truth, and a lot of us don't. that is a fault.
a fault in our system. do you want to be saved? do you want to be forgiven? no god will forgive you, a god ceases to exist in our realm.
do you ache to be dismembered to your very bone and touched with love? some of us are corpses with a beating heart. dragging around our flesh and bones,
their rotting away. no god can save you now. you must become your own god, listen. your throat is raw from screaming to a god who isn't listening.
make one. i talked to god but the sky was empty, i talked to myself and i was full of it. once you open your eyes there is no god but your own body.
its impossible to exist outside of peoples minds, so when we do... we are godlike. don't pull the trigger yet, there is so much to be done...you have plenty of time to figure out the meaning of this all.
people who don't get it are too far gone. BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE. express your torment as violently as you please. give your flesh and bones to them. they love to watch you bleed.

September 8, 2023

I feel shitty a lot of the time, it never goes away and I don't know how to make it go away. I'm really a lost cause. Nothing will change for me, I feel nothing.
I could die right now and it wouldn't effect me. I wouldn't be scared because there is really nothing to look forward to anyway. I'm a bad bad person,
I don't make this world any better and leaving it wouldn't cause everyone grief. It'll be like another small thing went away and nobody cared. nobody cares about me,
or this pointless life i live. its stupid it really is. why am i here? why? you cant just put people in this world and make them live a bad life. its pointless.
people who have good lives should be the only ones alive because they do good and make changes. i dont and i never will. theres so many people id rather see up there then here.
everyday im dissociated, gone. nothing around me is real or effects me. im just a cell moving around and doing things. repeat repeat repeat its all the same. this shitty life.

August 24, 2023

everyday is a repeat of the last, i havent made any changes to my routine and i cant because i have no time. i never have time for anything anymore.
school eats me up whole and i only get two days off. one i just spend in bed processing the whole week and tired. i dont have a purpose
and im simply here without choice, we are all born and barely get awareness at the age of 4. your quickly put into this system.
u have to wake up early everyday, look good, be around people when u dont want to be, in school. then work. ur whole life is work
and work until you cant take it anymore. i feel like that everyday, i want change and i want out.
i want to be up in heaven or down in hell with DK and EH. with satan himself. or with god, maybe he'd feel pity for my sorry ass.
i know ur in another world happier dylan, and ill soon be with you.

August 23, 2023

lately ive been feeling really dissociated, like im not myself. i never really feel like im there in the moment.
im just thinking while my body moves on its own.
my body is so tired, aching everyday. im not so sure how i can keep up with this. i feel alone,
at school and at home. ive been so delusional its fucking absurd. i keep thinking these things i dont wanna think.
my mind wants to sacrafice my own blood to god, or satan. i dont believe in nether but i always feel the need to
bring them up like i own them something. i always look at my patheic body and think about hurting it to give that blood to the dead.
its really delusional. i cant feel anything anymore, i feel helpless. its like im screaming but nothings coming out.
im afraid one day something bad will happen to me or someone else because of me. i fear my own self. im just a neverending loop of trouble.

August 4, 2023

its been a while, the thoughts came back. how am i not surprised. i don't really know what i want anymore. i dont wanna
die but i dont wanna live. i dont wanna hurt s0m30n3 but i do. i cannot keep living in this world for any longer, i will
soon die but before i do i promised to myself id hurt s0m30n3 before id do it to myself. id be a real fucking pussy if i just
hurted myself and nobody else. i need that kick, that reason to do it to myself. otherwise i just wont off myself if i dont
do it to nobody else. society is a fuckhole, they bully the fuck out of you then when you break and do some bad shit they
blame you. society, PEOPLE, can never take the blame. nobody does things for no reason, theres always a reason. i have
mine and you have yours.

Janurary 8, 2023

i often wish i wasnt alive. everyday i get a reminder that im alive when i dont deserve to be. taking my prozac, eating
before school, gagging, throwing up, just looking outside the front door when its dark they are all reminders of what
happened. i wish i wasnt alive. everybody is dissapointed in me and i shouldnt be here. im a monster, i want to die. i
want to shoot myself. when my family looks at me i bet i am a reminder to them of what happened. their greatly
disspointed. my clock is ticking like a bomb. everyday, just everyday it clicks until i die. i frankly cannot wait. i thought i
shouldve stayed alive until i was a senior but lets be real im not going that far if anything the farest i could possibly go is
sophomore year. i dont know whats stopping me right now, maybe im a pussy. too pussy to kill myself even though i beg
for it so fucking much. god i hate everything about me. im gonna do it i swear i will. just wait. when im dead i hope
youre happy this monster of a fucking kid is gone. i wasnt meant to be here im misplaced and now ruined. this wasnt the
world i was meant to be in. i was born in the wrong world, time, universe. hopefully when im dead i can be with dk up
there. im a nobody. nobody nobody nobody just a girl with voices. many of them so fucking many. they all watch me the
goverment my family my friends strangers everyone.

Janurary 7, 2023

the government is watching me and everything i do or say they have set cameras in my room and my shower to watch me
and they have installed watchers on my phone that look at what im doing and searching so they can keep a record of me
and they also look at my phones camera to watch me use it. they gave me antidepressants but their not what they say
they are . they are actually jacked to instead not help me and make me worse so when i break and cause trouble like bad stuff
they can have a reason to arrest me to seem like the good guy and they do that to all people who they deem unfit and out
of place so they can hve bad people in this world to arrest because without bad people in this world everyone would obey
and be good so we wouldn't need the government at alland they want to be needed. its like they dont care or bother to
check up on me they just gave me antidepressants and called it a day and these things dont work rather instead make me
aggressive and violent. and when i tell people about the meds they say i NEED and SHOULD continue to take it.
but i stand by that, its my belief and i don't care what u tell me i will believe it. i probably
am right and the government is now suspicious about me and is going to kill me if i ever let the word out. just like how
they kill every one to steps out of line and exposes them. fuck the government its a load of the ugliest shit. you see the
person writing all these things and words isnt me iz rather like something else in me writing this crazy bullshit. because
when im done i will have zero memory of this or what i was even thinking while writing it.

Janurary 4, 2023

i got my kmfdm shirts today, finally. fits tight but i wouldnt be
allowed to get a different size even if i begged. i also got my jeans, verrry baggy and long. my grandma cut them short
for me. anyways thats not why ur here huh? not for my boring life but for my mistakes and anger. you (who ever u are)
want to see how my life came to an end so ur reading this to see how it all went wrong. well thats okay, kinda why i
made this anyways. schools tomorrow, its like hell welcoming me back into its arms. not so heart-warming rather awful
instead. school is like the only thing making me so depressed at this point. get rid of it and then boom im like so much
happier. fuck the system, rip it. school teaches you forgetful shit but never seem to teach you how to love yourself

January 2, 2023

weird writing 2023, i was just about to put january 2022. i wish it could be that instead. i really meant to write on new
years but i was busy with my family and stuff. i guess i have a lot to say. i feel distant with my cousin. its been awkward
since the incident. bothers me. also i have been having a lot of suicidal thoughts which sucks because i havent had those a
lot, now they've been flowing in since the incident and are especially worse this winter break. i think nothing other than i
should run away and go missing then kill myself. i really want to and i just might. if i do i guess someone like the cops
are looking at this. if so hello, don't go being annoying and looking at my journal calling me "columbine obsessed" like sol
pais. i could stop liking anyone if i wanted to. but yeah i really just plan to do that. i gotta hide my journal so they dont
cause trouble. then ill leave one night and probably walk all the way to downtown to go on that bridge and jump off.
might call 911 and say hey im gonna kill myself. ill do anything even if it means killing myself to prevent these violent
thoughts. fuck prozac. fuck antidepressants. i hate new years and i hate time, all to fast wheres the fun in living? lol last
night i even had a nightmare where i killed myself that same exact way and was very unstable at school like usual. kinda
freaked me out i thought it was real. while writing this my sister asked me to help her with finding a password to
something on her laptop, while i was helping her i saw something on her laptop. some stupid fucking shitty vent art i didnt
wanna see. "how can i be around her?" "i didnt expect it to be her." why. why just why. i wanna shoot myself why did i
ever do this to myself i hate myself. this is all my fault they ever view me this way. i changed everything. i deserve to die
for this. nobody wants to see anything about themselves but we do, and it hurts. whatever ill be gone soon enough anyway.

December 29, 2022

man man man what do i got in store for today, frankly this website helps more than my own therapy. anyways turns out
im right my stupid meds do cause a lot of anger and violent thoughts. seriously? isnt the point of taking them suppose to
prevent all those thoughts in the first place? this is so fucking dumb. i bet the government did that on purpose, when
someones depressed they do something bad and when they do they get "antidepressants" no that shit is hijacked to make
you worse so you commit something bad. they want reasons to arrest people, the government wants bad people on this
earth. they make the bad people. without bad people it would so pitch perfect they wouldnt be needed here so they create
villains like me. i hate my meds, i will overdose on those shits or stop taking them forever. its bad enough because it is
doing what they want it to do, make me bad. i only think bad, bad, bad. my mind is a never ending loop of PAIN
MISERY and VIOLENCE. its all i can think about and i crave it so bad. i love it. i love my anger, my mind. im so
unique in a way because im not like you normal shits. im superior. anyways thats enough evidence that shit is working
because who tf just says "im superior". a faggot does. i live my whole miserable life knowing my life will end in a
horrible accident. its awful, it truly is. i live until my doom. my doomsday is coming very soon. i dont know what it is
yet, but i know its bad. hopefully bad enough to get me on the news, i wouldnt mind some fans. i might just cxt myself or
od later. i feel like doing something damaging. im craving it. i am born with a leak, a hole. the more ive grown its leaked
all my goodness away slowly. now im empty, hollow. i am nothing but a void. i hate it. i hate everything, everyone, and
its all because i cannot stand myself or my life. i choose to hate everyone because my life just sucks. they live better than
me and it will never, ever, be fair. who thought it should've been like this? the government, satan, god? or is it simply just
fate? they say everything happens for a reason, whats my reason? to cause destruction? an impact on this fucking universe?
frankly i always hated it so i guess im meant to do something to it.

December 28, 2022

my appointment went fairly well and super fast. i kinda lied about taking them everyday, clearly i don't as of right now
because they fuckinn suck. they raised my dose to 20. 20?? i am a depressed teenager who is reckless, dumb, and got in
trouble with the fucking law. 20 ain't gonna do damn shiiittt. i've taken 20 and 30 many times, that did nothing. better yet
made me more angry at the world. at people and society. i find this world a horrible, naturally evil, worthless, pointless
place in which no conscious being should be subject to. but we have to right? thats just how this stupid shit rolls. im here,
youre here, everyones here. i dont want you here, but i dont want myself here. we are both like trash in this planet and im
gonna take it out. none of us belong here this place is fucking sick. you walk into school for a second and theres like a
group of girls laughing at you for just breathing, standing, existing??? same with guys, youre all so immature and retarded.
grow up, i did why cant you? none of them have enough brains and self awareness to realize how truly dumb they are. ah
what am i saying im just as dumb as them..no i dont know. sometimes i truly think im higher than everyone else like a
god a satan anything because of the way i think, act, feel. but then when im down in the dumps i hate myself and say
everyone else is so much happier and cooler than me. i need to make my fucking mind up. am i worth anything or not??
whatever i sound like a fucking weirdo. i ordered some jeans and kmfdm shirts, super happy about that. i love kmfdm,
like without them id only listen to that boring tiktok viral metal shit. now i got my own favorite artist that im gatekeeping
from white people. whats embarrassing is admitting i have suicidal thoughts still to my parents, like they just look at me. i
can read the emotion on their straight faces. their dissapointed, why did my child turn out like this? i loved her, now shes
a monster. nothing but a monster. their right i am, i call myself that every morning. every afternoon. every night. i am
nothing but a monster. i really dont wanna be here, but i have no way out yet so im stuck in this disgusting fleshy sack of
a human body. until i find a way, any god damn way i dont fucking care what it is ill be so happy. ill be happier dead
than alive. in my coffin i hope my body is smiling. one of you fuckers is gonna stare at my body and cry whilst im dead
happy. unless you dont cry, i dont care. i dont care about anything i do, or say. this is my world and youre just living in it
deal with it. if i dont like u, ur gone i guess. hey heres one cool thing to mention i dream of getting a shotgun and
blowing my brains off, like just having half of my head gone. exploded. you'll see my brains, my bulging eyes. brain
matter and blood everywhere. i could say more about that dream but i cant. i need to be careful because their listening to
me.

December 27, 2022

ill say what we are all thinking, yes all i do is take personality and everything from other people. this whole website is just
a mirror of harris, klebold, and sol. i don't have a personality, the way i am is just an empty black hole that sucks in
whatever it deems "relatable". i mean thats what we all are right? we just see something relatable and act like it. im
nothing but a follower, ive never been a leader. nothing about me is original. im a fake, a fraud, imposter. i am nothing. i
was just a mistake, misplaced in the wrong universe. i don't like humanity i dont like anything i wasn't mean to be born
here or better yet born at all. i wish i wasn't born this way, i hate the way i think. but its simply fate that decided i must
do this and that. or god, but i dont believe in him so. fuck fate, fuck you god and fuck you little christan whites. you all
have such sad lives that you have to follow a leader like "god". i am god i will be god that day that comes. i will decide
what happens to the world and i will make impacts just you wait and see. i would love to haunt everyone, causing storms
of fear. worthy mention i have an appointment with a nurse tomorrow at a mental health clinic that i totally forgot about.
its to check how my antidepressants are doing. i haven't even taken them in a week, they do nothing but make me angry,
violent, and just not really me. rather a violent zombie.

December 26, 2022

i'm on christmas break, i've been off my antidepressants and nothing has ever felt better. at least sort of. yeah some
thoughts are still lingering here and there (like me making this website) but i havent been so mad like i usually am when
school is around. i cant imagine how everything will come crumbling down when school starts again. im pretty worried
for that, schools are just made for you to become depressed. they dont help you learn, i havent remembered anything since
elementary. its just here to make you mentally ill until you break and you have a criminal record. if it did it to me and
youre reading this in the future and im not alive due to illness you know now.