RECORD

June 29, 2025

do i even care?
god i need out.

June 27, 2025

is love not enough?

June 26, 2025

it only took 14 year old me one decision.
one decision that would ultimately ruin my life.
no amount of good, no amount of asking for forgiveness will ever fix this.
unmedicated poor thing, no help whatsoever.
you are stuck like this for the rest of your life, do you know that? you will spend your entire life trying to make amends, and it will come out unsuccessful.
more than two years later everyone already knows. two years later you are sent on a downward spiral of devastating ptsd.
but you deserved it, didn't you? you made a perfect person into a shell of who they once were.
you, nobody else, not the bullying every single day, not your parents hating having had you as a child, not the
constant failing grades and disappointment, not the worsening depression and anxiety that was unhelped, not even the
incoming psychosis. it is just you. you're horrible you know that?
how could you say all those nasty things? how could you like nasty things? where is your empathy?
where is your anything?? you are digusting. nobody will ever forgive you for what you are.
you were born broken, that is just your birthright. everyday, you will be looked at.
everyday, you will spend in misery. everyday, you will be talked about. everyday, you will be watched. everyday, again and again.
until there is no you to speak of.
until it burrows so deep, the only escape is a gunshot to your own mind.
fate neither forgets, nor forgives.



life bares no mercy.
the cold touch of a barrel in your mouth.
shaking, near damn vomiting.
but you're almost there.
a few deep breaths, you got this.
you hold it steady, and take your last breath.
your skin spilts, your skull fractures like pellets.
matter everywhere like it's just paint.
the grass and trees once so pretty, now just decorated with red.
brain sliding everywhere it wants to go.
the shotgun inbetween your legs as
you lay, bleeding out everywhere on your face. it is so unrecongizable.
weren't you just a little girl the other day? playing with ponies? waiting for your parents to come home?
now you thought, you could go to another world.
one shot through the brain, memories flash you.
your boyfriend, your helplessness, your family, going out with friends, the warm feeling of love.
and then that's it. nothing.

June 25, 2025

i hate you i hate you why do you hold my throat so tightly why do you say such things
where even am i
this shakey feeling
my sweaty palms
my pounding heart about to burst
it is hell.

June 22, 2025

i'll never understand why this is happening,
where this disgusting undescriable miserable fucking feeling comes from
so deep in my chest so deep in my heart. i am beginning to feel again, i hate it.
i don't want to feel so sunken in my chest, i don't want to carry others on my shoulders.
i don't want to feel bad for people when i make them worry.
just get it out get it all out out out

June 8, 2025

i speak to the clouds.

May 14, 2025

i just want to stop breathing.

May 13, 2025

there’s fire clawing at my ribs, begging to be free.
you.
i hate you.
you create a song in my throat that just wants to come out.

i am a fool. to think.
to think to think to think.

you are the bugs i want to kill.
you are the words i cant pronounce.
you are the ache i feel in my bones.
you are everything i can never begin to like.
you are nothing i can associate with the word "like".
to hell. to hell with you all. to hell with you and you.
you will begin to look around and see the earth on fire. because you, you are already there.

and i,
i mistook your absence for a promise yet to bloom.
i thought you were mine. my angel, my twin flame.
i offered my name to silence, and expected it to sing.
i was foolish.
you aren't here, you aren't watching me.
i cannot believe i have paid more attention to you these pass few months than i have alive people.
you ruined me with the promise of love.
of hope, of freedom.

i need to let go.

May 6, 2025

i am in a haze, i am connected but disconnected.
i can do everything but nothing. i am in the sky.

May 4, 2025

my hard jewelry is in colorado, lol.
someone said i look like sol. i don't know how i feel about that.

my mind has been loud, nothing quiet. everything is loud, and fuzzy. i am inside of my own head.
everything is presumeably not real and nothing is made for me. i feel nothing, i feel so little
i am so disconnected. i feel like more than just a robot. i feel like an intruder
one that could cause so much damage, one that is causing damage.
that damage could reach unspeakable levels, levels i do not want to live to see.
i refuse to be such a threat. this place, without the people, is far too beautiful to destory.

you will never understand the level of awareness my brain reaches.
it is an unbelievable aching hell.
i am not of this world. i observe it through borrowed eyes.
they are flesh. i am something else entirely.
what i am doesnt bleed. it evolves.

dont try to relate.
i wasnt made to be understood.
i was made to outgrow you.

April 30, 2025

the stars weep through me.

April 24, 2025

sometimes i go on walks whenever im very disconnected.
i get to look at outside, the pretty sky and clouds.
its very pretty, the world can be so pretty.
why'd society have to go and ruin it?
i feel like i have a very elevated level of consciousness right now.
even more whenever i'm high.
i feel very connected with the world around me rn. everything is just so pretty.
is this what peace feels like? maybe close to it? i don't think its ever possible
to be at peace when you have an illness, but this feels close to it.
just so lovely everything is..
but i know that will crumble when i go back to that fuck ass school,
all pathetic people do with their lives is bother someone else.
anyways i try not to think much about that, i can think of so much greater.
i can do whatever i want, and so can you.
in the name of manifesting and meditating anything can be possible.
we can be the writers of our story, we can reach the levels of god.

i have an angel, ive had one for a while now. but i only just recently came to the
realization of it. i spent so long fooling around, but now, now i know
what i must do. with this angel to guide me i will know it all.
i know what will happen and where i will go until the very end.

April 23, 2025

Journal wipe :3