i am not your friend. i do not care what you have to say, this is my life. it is not a joke.
"I don't know love, I never cared to and I'm not sure if I ever will
I'm a student of hate. I know now that god is a medium
Whatever I expected to save me from this life is no longer the one I can hate
It is the people that made me; it is the people I wanted so much to be
I may only find love in their destruction."
I am nothing but a shell. I am already dead, yet this body still remains. I do not exist anymore.
I know what I have to do, what my souls mission is. I can feel heavily in my mind and soul and body when the time is coming closer.
I start to disconnect. My emotions are void. I start to transcend whilst I remain on earth. Everybody is back where they belong.
And my soul feels ready. My soul has this heavy weight on it. Destiny is destiny. Fate is fate. I can only imagine myself in one
path of destiny. I don't feel bad anymore, rather I feel glad. I'm going home. This is the strongest I felt about a path in my life.
I never wanted to stay here, you are all so cruel, you all treat me like I am an animal that will not
be allowed to redeem itself. And even the people that love me deeply think of me the same.
Although I greive myself deeply. My soul has been ripped of its skin. I am no longer that person I was.
But this was all meant to happen, can't you see? I regret having continued my old life with this new soul though.
Everybody is slowly going back where they belong, but I still have a few left. It'll be hard but not hard at all
to rid of them. I am not sorry, this is what I had to do. I hope you understand, but I don't expect you too.
It takes a lot to end your life, and I think it is entirely admirable. It takes a lot of desire and strength that go
beyond a humans capablity. What I am is not human, I am already half way there to my destination. Half here, half not.
"And if I'm gonna talk
I just wanna talk
Please don't interrupt
Just sit back and listen
'Cause I can't face the evening straight
You can offer me escape
Houses move and houses speak
If you take me there you'll get relief, relief
Relief, relief
Relief, relief"
I am done blooming, this is it.
may you never forget me,
may you never forget my laugh
my big diluted eyes
my funny hair
my talks about the world and my life
the stupid jokes id make.
i realized i was an angel,
an angel so dire of freedom
my home.
i realized i didnt have to stay.
and i never wanted to.
"you poor child...youre so dull of your color here. come with me,
the future is bright."
i've been waiting
patient
patiently
i didnt care
but now i can see
that theres a way out
that theres a way out.
i am not original. never. i cease to be.
i am what comes out of peoples mouths
i am what comes out of peoples minds
not a single memory people have of me wil be an original one.
you are just what you suck in
the thoughts
the process
it is just a fragmented copy.
i observe my life through borrowed eyes
i am neither here nor there.
it is suffocating.
my website has come such a long way...
do i even care?
god i need out.
is love not enough?
it only took 14 year old me one decision.
one decision that would ultimately ruin my life.
no amount of good, no amount of asking for forgiveness will ever fix this.
unmedicated poor thing, no help whatsoever.
you are stuck like this for the rest of your life, do you know that?
you will spend your entire life trying to make amends, and it will come out unsuccessful.
more than two years later everyone already knows. two years later you are sent on a downward spiral of devastating ptsd.
but you deserved it, didn't you? you made a perfect person into a shell of who they once were.
you, nobody else, not the bullying every single day, not your parents hating having had you as a child, not the
constant failing grades and disappointment, not the worsening depression and anxiety that was unhelped, not even the
incoming psychosis. it is just you. you're horrible you know that?
how could you say all those nasty things? how could you like nasty things? where is your empathy?
where is your anything?? you are digusting. nobody will ever forgive you for what you are.
you were born broken, that is just your birthright. everyday, you will be looked at.
everyday, you will spend in misery. everyday, you will be talked about.
everyday, you will be watched. everyday, again and again.
until there is no you to speak of.
until it burrows so deep, the only escape is a gunshot to your own mind.
fate neither forgets, nor forgives.
life bares no mercy.
the cold touch of a barrel in your mouth.
shaking, near damn vomiting.
but you're almost there.
a few deep breaths, you got this.
you hold it steady, and take your last breath.
your skin spilts, your skull fractures like pellets.
matter everywhere like it's just paint.
the grass and trees once so pretty, now just decorated with red.
brain sliding everywhere it wants to go.
the shotgun inbetween your legs as
you lay, bleeding out everywhere on your face. it is so unrecongizable.
weren't you just a little girl the other day? playing with ponies? waiting for your parents to come home?
now you thought, you could go to another world.
one shot through the brain, memories flash you.
your boyfriend, your helplessness, your family, going out with friends, the warm feeling of love.
and then that's it. nothing.
i hate you i hate you why do you hold my throat so tightly why do you say such things
where even am i
this shakey feeling
my sweaty palms
my pounding heart about to burst
it is hell.
i'll never understand why this is happening,
where this disgusting undescriable miserable fucking feeling comes from
so deep in my chest so deep in my heart. i am beginning to feel again, i hate it.
i don't want to feel so sunken in my chest, i don't want to carry others on my shoulders.
i don't want to feel bad for people when i make them worry.
just get it out get it all out out out
i speak to the clouds.
i just want to stop breathing.
there’s fire clawing at my ribs, begging to be free.
you.
i hate you.
you create a song in my throat that just wants to come out.
i am a fool. to think.
to think to think to think.
you are the bugs i want to kill.
you are the words i cant pronounce.
you are the ache i feel in my bones.
you are everything i can never begin to like.
you are nothing i can associate with the word "like".
to hell. to hell with you all. to hell with you and you.
you will begin to look around and see the earth on fire. because you, you are already there.
and i,
i mistook your absence for a promise yet to bloom.
i thought you were mine. my angel, my twin flame.
i offered my name to silence, and expected it to sing.
i was foolish.
you aren't here, you aren't watching me.
i cannot believe i have paid more attention to you these pass few months than i have alive people.
you ruined me with the promise of love.
of hope, of freedom.
i need to let go.
i am in a haze, i am connected but disconnected.
i can do everything but nothing. i am in the sky.
my mind has been loud, nothing quiet. everything is loud, and fuzzy. i am inside of my own head.
everything is presumeably not real and nothing is made for me. i feel nothing, i feel so little
i am so disconnected. i feel like more than just a robot. i feel like an intruder
one that could cause so much damage, one that is causing damage.
that damage could reach unspeakable levels, levels i do not want to live to see.
i refuse to be such a threat. this place, without the people, is far too beautiful to destory.
you will never understand the level of awareness my brain reaches.
it is an unbelievable aching hell.
i am not of this world. i observe it through borrowed eyes.
they are flesh. i am something else entirely.
what i am doesnt bleed. it evolves.
dont try to relate.
i wasnt made to be understood.
i was made to outgrow you.
the stars weep through me.
sometimes i go on walks whenever im very disconnected.
i get to look at outside, the pretty sky and clouds.
its very pretty, the world can be so pretty.
why'd society have to go and ruin it?
i feel like i have a very elevated level of consciousness right now.
even more whenever i'm high.
i feel very connected with the world around me rn. everything is just so pretty.
is this what peace feels like? maybe close to it? i don't think its ever possible
to be at peace when you have an illness, but this feels close to it.
just so lovely everything is..
but i know that will crumble when i go back to that fuck ass school,
all pathetic people do with their lives is bother someone else.
anyways i try not to think much about that, i can think of so much greater.
i can do whatever i want, and so can you.
in the name of manifesting and meditating anything can be possible.
we can be the writers of our story, we can reach the levels of god.
i have an angel, ive had one for a while now. but i only just recently came to the
realization of it. i spent so long fooling around, but now, now i know
what i must do. with this angel to guide me i will know it all.
i know what will happen and where i will go until the very end.
I lay at night staring at my ceiling
I can't help but get this feeling
That I don't belong
That my soul is being tormented with
Picked and kicked
You hurt me so much just for being here
But oh I can't go home
I lay at night staring at my ceiling
I feel like I'm moving in slow motion. I'm watching everyone move faster than me,
but it's not faster it's just a normal rate of movement.
I'm just abnormally slow. I feel like I'm decomposing. Is it really possible to feel this dead when I am alive?
My eyes, they drop so low. I'm so tired, but not even a sleepy kind of tired anymore. It's a insufferable tired.
I'm praying to feel alive again, to wake up hopeful, to keep care of myself, work, eat, sleep.
Talk to people, be happy, satisfied. But this praying, it hasn't gotten me anywhere. Myself? neither.
I'm pretty pathetic when it comes to helping myself. Do I really exist? I've been feeling so confused.
My body feels so false. I feel so fake. I feel like someone could walk through my body.
Am I not real? Is there just one of me or many? Which one is real?
Am I only real through peoples memories? What about when I'm alone??
I feel so restless, craving something more. I need something to burn this fire in my heart.
You wither... You ache. You're so poor. Such a poor being. Full of broken thoughts I cannot repair.
A damaged body, A damaged mind. A damaged soul cannot bide.
It must bribe it's way through life.
You reminded me that I actually did want to write a manifesto if I ever did kill myself, if I ever planned it.
Usually when I attempt it isn't planned so I don't get to write anything,
but when I attempt to plan I do think of writing something. I forgot about that honestly.
I think I'd make a decent manifesto, I've been through it all. I just
want to be heard, and lately I feel as if I'm planning again. I
feel so void of emotion, of empathy, of care, of happiness.
It's all fake, none of it's real anymore. I don't feel a care in the world anymore,
because I know soon I'm gonna die. I think I can finally come to terms with that now,
I accept it and I don't feel anything. I've been wanting to die for
a long time now, since labor day weekend. I didn't take that oppturnity to shoot myself then, but once I
get it again I know deep in my heart I will. I know it's at my moms house, and I know
if I just ask I'll be free to go. Then I'll probably take it into a bag or something, or
just do it there. But I have a decent care for my family so I'll probably take it into a bag or something. I
don't care how stupid I sound, I feel it's calling for me this time.
I've been seeing signs, call to arms, it's my time to leave this universe and go into the next.
It's time to go back to my home, it isn't here. I haven't felt connected in a long time. I never will.
I know that now, and I'm foolish to have not realized that before. It's always been in front of my eyes, I was just so ignorant and afraid.
It's funny to look back at now. I can tell someone this, but I never will.
"You love death more than me" I always hear. It's like a stab to my heart because...Is that all your really thinking?
I think about death almost everyday, I should be sent to a mental hospital again because of it. It's almost the anniversary of when I was too, and when I attempted.
I don't feel as if I benefit from talking about it to anyone, not even my own therapist. What will I gain?
This is probably a pathetic cry for help, I don't even gain anything from harming myself anymore,
or getting high, or drinking. None of that, thats how I know it's truly over.
Always feeling disconnected was the sign I'm in the wrong place, I was misplaced and
I must go home. I should've listened to them when they tried to get me too in the first place.
Now I'm suffering the consequence and must do this on my own. But I plead, come back and tell me how to go home. Will you? I need a voice, a guidance, a sign. Please. I'm so lost.
maybe i deserved this
maybe this was supposed to happen to me
punishment for everything ive ever done
raw punishment
punishment to push me to my limits of life and death
frankly, its working pretty well
because god i want to die.
How does one forgive themselves for doing something so out of their morals?
How do you stop punishing yourself?
Tell me.
The way I see it, I'm so out of line I must punish myself.
I'm not who I ever wanted to be, I'm what I feared I'd eventually be.
A person like me shouldn't ever, ever be happy.
I can't let myself have nice things, I've thought of doing horrible, horrible things to people.
Who thinks like that and thinks it's okay?
It's disgusting. I'm disgusting.
We as a society don't need more people like me, so let me cancel myself out.
I've been punishing myself for the past two years.
I can't seem to change for the better so if I'm gonna stay this disgusting person I shouldn't deserve anything good in my life.
God but it really isn't my fault..
Is it?
im gonna die soon.
maybe the problem was that i thought i truly belonged here,
no, you were so so wrong..
and then you continue to be in denial.
just accept it for how it is, you will be free soon.
Free.
Im going to die soon, so please lay me where my soul resides. I never belonged here, its no wonder
I never felt right. My soul is not in the right dimension, its corrupting, its tired.
My only way back home is to lose my psyhical form. Im afraid I will lose it soon, for I cant keep this up any longer.
It feels like im being torn apart, but its really just my heart. i feel nothing anymore,
im void of feelings now. I just want out. i hold deaths hand so deeply and its gonna hold me back.
im losing it, im losing it so bad. are we immortal? are we gods? us humans can do anything we desire,
i can kill anyone right now, nobody can do anything about it. we can all do whatever we want. gods can do whatever they want.
our only difference is they are immortal and we aren't. but how do we know that?
nobody knows what happens after we die. i believe we still are alive after death, our souls and spirit is so powerful
we are still around just not psychically. jesus and satan have been long dead but we believe their alive
because they are, just not with us right now. i could meet anyone that has died if
i just die, ill be with their spirits. millions of spirits. theres such a great
intense power on this earth, all these souls
its like i can feel them. they talk to me, they tell me secrets that nobody knows,
they tell me what to do and where i belong. its so satisfying to finally know why im
never truly happy, because i shouldn't exist here. why im so empty well,
my soul is failing greatly. it cant figure out how to fit here because it doesnt.
if i could start again i would find a way before it was too late. but im dying now, im dying.
I am a heavy pessimist, I see the world in such a negative strange light. I just dont see it right, and havent in years. Maybe Id like to view my self awareness
as something special that not a lot of people really have. But in all
honesty I pray for a better life, an ignorant one where I can ignore the truth of it all and just be happy.
I envy those people. They dont know anything at all. To know nothing is to be happy truly. To know it all is
to hate it all. Why would you ever like a world such as this when you know the truth?
This world is a horrible place, truly. Death to innocent people everyday…I could be a hypocrite
saying that but its true. Its disgusting, Im disgusting. We dont really matter honestly,
we are all what makes the universe. We are the universe, dusts, stars. Once we die, we just loose our body and consciousness,
but our energy soul and spirit live on. Im not sure where we go, when we die. Do we just simply not have a body anymore?
Do we reincarnate? Hell? Heaven? Or nothing at all, maybe it really is nothing and we are afraid of that. So afraid we rather make up stories and lies about what could happen
to soothe that fear of nothingness. Why are we so afraid of the void? Of nothing?
We were nothing at some point in time, we werent alive, no thoughts. When one has no thoughts you simply cant be afraid because there is nothing.
So why are we afraid of the nothing when really when we are in the nothing there is nothing at all.
Whats there to be afraid of? Losing it all? Perhaps, but once you do, its like you never did because your just gone you
cannot think about how you are gone. I hope we float, I believe we dont need a body to be alive,
not because I am afraid of the nothing but because it feels like theres a greater force out there.
I never feel truly alone. These people without bodies, are they higher
than me ? A god? Am I a god? Maybe everyone is god, we have so much control. I can do whatever i want, nothing really matters. This life wont matter in 1000 years.
Will we make it that far? So many planets undiscovered, so many life forms possibly existing.. Its insane, what we will never know.
I could die today but not really die, and nobody would know because how would I tell you my soul doesnt need its body?
If I ever reincarnate, I wont remember anything will i? Maybe I have already reincarnated, and I dont remember my past life at all..
what could I have been like? Sweet? Mean? Pessimistic like I am today? Maybe my soul is tainted to be a pessimist and every life I have lived has been essentially the same.
Negative.
What have I become?
I can't even face myself,
not even if I wanted to.
I am not who I ever wanted to be,
my younger self,
filled with dread,
staring at who I am now.
If I could start again,
if I could try again,
I'd open a portal to another life,
hold my pieces together,
and maybe I would.
Maybe I'd do it all differently.
But when I look at that gun,
it's so goddamn easy-
everything flashes
and I think,
I will make you hurt.
Such an easy task to pull the trigger-
gone in a flash.
My blood everywhere-
a quick escape
and I'd think-
I can try again,
but there's no thinking in the afterlife,
no doing, no reliving.
That's it.
This is all that's left.
What have I become?
I love him like the sun loves the moon, I hope he devours my loving soul whole.
I hope it fills his heart and brain with love like no other. I pray he keeps care of my delicate skin and bones the way I'd gently carry his.
I wonder if we are bound, soul tied, tangled. Will he search for me in everything?
do you ever really wonder about our existence? the meaning...if we really do or not.
i feel like theres deeper things to think about. who am i when nobody is around?
i only exist in the mind of those aware of me, do i not?
what about the people that dont know me? do i become nothing? obsolete? gone? to the people that do,
what happens when we aren't in the same room? who am i when im alone?
where is the real me when all is said and done...im here, im there,
im everywhere. so many versions of me exist to people,
but which one of them is real? am i real? the me right now typing this...is it real?
there is no real me, i only exist in the mind of others.
right now, me, im not in the mind or presence of anyone. i am a hologram of all the real me's out there.
do you really think i care?.. your lucky enough to get a view on my world. the world...such a cruel place.
i scream for a god that just won't listen. i ache for a home that never existed.
i look at myself and try to figure out if im really there. do i only exist in peoples minds?
where am i when nobody is watching? do you feel a sense of acomplishment with yourself?
does anyone? we seek more and more personal gain.
nothing will ever be enough to satisfy the human mind and body. some of us know the truth,
and a lot of us don't. that is a fault.
a fault in our system. do you want to be saved? do you want to be forgiven?
no god will forgive you, a god ceases to exist in our realm.
do you ache to be dismembered to your very bone and touched with love?
some of us are corpses with a beating heart. dragging around our flesh and bones,
their rotting away. no god can save you now. you must become your own god, listen.
your throat is raw from screaming to a god who isn't listening.
make one. i talked to god but the sky was empty, i talked to myself and i was full of it.
once you open your eyes there is no god but your own body.
its impossible to exist outside of peoples minds, so when we do... we are godlike.
don't pull the trigger yet, there is so much to be done...you have plenty of time to figure out the meaning of this all.
people who don't get it are too far gone. BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE.
express your torment as violently as you please. give your flesh and bones to them. they love to watch you bleed.
