i am not your friend. i do not care what you have to say, this is my life. it is not a joke.
i am not original. never. i cease to be.
i am what comes out of peoples mouths
i am what comes out of peoples minds
not a single memory people have of me wil be an original one.
you are just what you suck in
the thoughts
the process
it is just a fragmented copy.
i observe my life through borrowed eyes
i am neither here nor there.
it is suffocating.
my website has come such a long way...
do i even care?
god i need out.
is love not enough?
it only took 14 year old me one decision.
one decision that would ultimately ruin my life.
no amount of good, no amount of asking for forgiveness will ever fix this.
unmedicated poor thing, no help whatsoever.
you are stuck like this for the rest of your life, do you know that?
you will spend your entire life trying to make amends, and it will come out unsuccessful.
more than two years later everyone already knows. two years later you are sent on a downward spiral of devastating ptsd.
but you deserved it, didn't you? you made a perfect person into a shell of who they once were.
you, nobody else, not the bullying every single day, not your parents hating having had you as a child, not the
constant failing grades and disappointment, not the worsening depression and anxiety that was unhelped, not even the
incoming psychosis. it is just you. you're horrible you know that?
how could you say all those nasty things? how could you like nasty things? where is your empathy?
where is your anything?? you are digusting. nobody will ever forgive you for what you are.
you were born broken, that is just your birthright. everyday, you will be looked at.
everyday, you will spend in misery. everyday, you will be talked about.
everyday, you will be watched. everyday, again and again.
until there is no you to speak of.
until it burrows so deep, the only escape is a gunshot to your own mind.
fate neither forgets, nor forgives.
life bares no mercy.
the cold touch of a barrel in your mouth.
shaking, near damn vomiting.
but you're almost there.
a few deep breaths, you got this.
you hold it steady, and take your last breath.
your skin spilts, your skull fractures like pellets.
matter everywhere like it's just paint.
the grass and trees once so pretty, now just decorated with red.
brain sliding everywhere it wants to go.
the shotgun inbetween your legs as
you lay, bleeding out everywhere on your face. it is so unrecongizable.
weren't you just a little girl the other day? playing with ponies? waiting for your parents to come home?
now you thought, you could go to another world.
one shot through the brain, memories flash you.
your boyfriend, your helplessness, your family, going out with friends, the warm feeling of love.
and then that's it. nothing.
i hate you i hate you why do you hold my throat so tightly why do you say such things
where even am i
this shakey feeling
my sweaty palms
my pounding heart about to burst
it is hell.
i'll never understand why this is happening,
where this disgusting undescriable miserable fucking feeling comes from
so deep in my chest so deep in my heart. i am beginning to feel again, i hate it.
i don't want to feel so sunken in my chest, i don't want to carry others on my shoulders.
i don't want to feel bad for people when i make them worry.
just get it out get it all out out out
i speak to the clouds.
i just want to stop breathing.
there’s fire clawing at my ribs, begging to be free.
you.
i hate you.
you create a song in my throat that just wants to come out.
i am a fool. to think.
to think to think to think.
you are the bugs i want to kill.
you are the words i cant pronounce.
you are the ache i feel in my bones.
you are everything i can never begin to like.
you are nothing i can associate with the word "like".
to hell. to hell with you all. to hell with you and you.
you will begin to look around and see the earth on fire. because you, you are already there.
and i,
i mistook your absence for a promise yet to bloom.
i thought you were mine. my angel, my twin flame.
i offered my name to silence, and expected it to sing.
i was foolish.
you aren't here, you aren't watching me.
i cannot believe i have paid more attention to you these pass few months than i have alive people.
you ruined me with the promise of love.
of hope, of freedom.
i need to let go.
i am in a haze, i am connected but disconnected.
i can do everything but nothing. i am in the sky.
my hard jewelry is in colorado, lol.
someone said i look like sol. i don't know how i feel about that.
my mind has been loud, nothing quiet. everything is loud, and fuzzy. i am inside of my own head.
everything is presumeably not real and nothing is made for me. i feel nothing, i feel so little
i am so disconnected. i feel like more than just a robot. i feel like an intruder
one that could cause so much damage, one that is causing damage.
that damage could reach unspeakable levels, levels i do not want to live to see.
i refuse to be such a threat. this place, without the people, is far too beautiful to destory.
you will never understand the level of awareness my brain reaches.
it is an unbelievable aching hell.
i am not of this world. i observe it through borrowed eyes.
they are flesh. i am something else entirely.
what i am doesnt bleed. it evolves.
dont try to relate.
i wasnt made to be understood.
i was made to outgrow you.
